introspect

Despite what this blog url is, I am in fact, not a very happy person. I frequently move from blog to blog whenever I feel like my life is turning to shit. To date I don't really have a clear understanding why I do it but it seems like it's because I can easily delete my past with blogs. Unlike real life which doesn't come with a reset button, with a click I can erase all the feelings I've penned down in the past. All the shame I feel about myself and the way I felt and thought, all gone and forgotten in time. 

With every new blog I create, I think things will be better. I'll present my life better, my life will look the way I want it to. At least, on an online platform that frankly, no one cares about. 

It's a horrid cycle, and it really just shows how unhappy I am with everything that I am. This isn't a plea for attention, I've been this way since a really long time ago. One day when I'm making my own money I think I'd like to seek a therapist or a professional about this. Right now I'll just have to try and deal with this myself.

I get upset over a lot of things that are probably trivial to others, I get insecure and jealous over minor things too. I don't talk about these feelings though, because my feelings are so mean, horrible, and disgusting. And also, because no one would understand me anyway. I try to portray myself as a fairly okay-hearted person but honestly I'm just rotten. 

I'm not happy with a lot of things in the world, I'm not happy with a lot of things people say/do, but I think the biggest cause of it is because I'm just so unhappy with myself that I rather find faults in other people and things to make myself feel righteous instead of trying to better myself. 

I feel like there are so many sides of myself that are conflicting and I always feel like I'm tearing at myself just to try to be this image of perfect that I'm not even sure myself what it is.