verbal diarrhea coming through

Here's a video that was posted on Facebook by a lecturer I respect a lot. Ironically enough, after watching this video I panicked about how none of the universities have contacted me, especially the one that I went to for my interview. The main line of thinking was, "I'm going to be so screwed without a university degree."

I don't think it is wrong to think that way, being in a society where a diploma is slowly losing its relevance and a degree is becoming the standard requirement to attain a job which can provide for a comfortable life. The main resource over here is people. If you can't equip yourself with the right tools (certificates) to become a valued resource, the general perception is that if you weren't good enough to get a degree, you aren't good enough to work for me.

However, as a friend pointed out to me, a lot of things that I seem to want now at this point in life do not require a degree. I think that I want to write for a women's magazine, or magazines like Nylon/Frankie etc. but to be honest with myself, I'm not sure if that's what I truly want?

I used to want to be a fashion designer from age 12-14, and thinking back now I can't remember why I lost the passion for it but judging from subsequent art classes I really don't have the flair for it. At 15, I wanted to be a vet but decided I couldn't deal with cutting up dogs/cats/household pets or cutting up any living thing in general. At 16 I decided that Mass Communications was THE course for me, never mind that I didn't really know what mass communications was about other than that I could still continue to write. Well, I didn't get into mass communications and instead I got into Applied Drama with Psychology, so I thought why not? Being a psychologist sounded cool/sexy. After a semester I dropped out because psychology wasn't a huge aspect of the course, but the drama aspect was the main thing. Well no shit 17 year old me, there's a reason why the first two words 'Applied Drama' come in front of the word 'Psychology'??? Anyway, I dropped out because I didn't get it. I didn't like what I was doing, and I didn't like that I didn't have a clue what was going on for several classes. 

After I dropped out, I found myself being in Business Management half a year later. I didn't have a clue about business management either. I didn't even want to be in business management! Funnily enough at 17 I was actually adamant about going against the system and I wanted to stop going to school to be a nail technician. I wonder if my dad didn't press me to continue with school, would things be different? In any case, I am still thankful he pushed me to get a diploma.

Choosing the retail specialization of my course really opened me up to the world of retail. I used to think retail was just all about retail jobs but it's more than that. It's shown me that other than stupid shift jobs on the retail floor (oops sorry), there's also visual merchandising and fashion buying. And I LOVE these two aspects of the retail world. I thoroughly enjoyed all of my retail modules. Every other non-retail module was a pain in the ass to get through but I breezed through the retail modules. I just truly loved it. And choosing retail presented me with a chance to start up a small business selling clothes - an idea that I once shared with my drama classmates when they asked me what I would do when I quit the course. That was when I was 17, and now I'm 21. Although the business is going slowly, at least it happened. And I don't want to let it die, although it does look like it's going to flat line at any moment lol oops. 

So that's another something I'd like to do in my life. Build up my little business into something that can actually provide for a living.  HOWEVER, you who is reading this, whoever you are, if there is any one even reading, might probably be thinking OKAY SO YOU WANT TO BUILD UP A BUSINESS SO WHY THE HELL DID YOU WRITE 3 BLOCKS OF PARAGRAPHS ABOUT YOUR LIFE IF YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WITH IT?! 

Well, the point is, from the ages of 12-19, although the thought of being a writer did pop up occasionally, it was never a strong passion. I liked writing, but only because I knew I was good at it. Which is why I thought that if I could get into a course which was related to writing, life would be easier. When in actuality, I know nothing about writing for a legit publication, or writing articles, or what a journalist actually does. My whole life I've only written compositions for school (albeit some being very fervent essays on some of my viewpoints), and for myself through my blogs. So, to say that I want to go into writing/journalism seems a bit foolish. And yet when everyone asked me what course I wanted to apply for in university my automatic answer was media and communications. At 16 when I had to choose a course I said communications. At 21 when I have to choose a course I am still going with communications. 

And now, being honest with myself again, I only chose communications because it is the only course that gives me a possibility of entering a local university which my parents can pay for and is the only thing I am somewhat interested in. 

Two hours into writing all of this, I've come to the conclusion I needed to get to. 

I was only worried and panicky about universities not accepting my application not because I wanted to learn about writing or literature or whatever. Yes it would be fun to see what everything is about, mostly to satisfy my curiosity, but other than that... I just don't have the passion for communications or literature. The sudden mentions about literature is because the interview I went for was for a spot in English Literature. I don't even know what I will study in English Literature but when I got the call to go in for an interview I was already filled with dreams of teaching English in several foreign countries. Seriously. I need to stop that shit. 

Digression aside, I was only panicking because almost everyone I know is in a university, or have been accepted into a university. And what would that make me if I wasn't in a university by August 2013? What would my parents think? In a way, not being accepted into a university can be considered a failure on my part, and in the eyes of many others in this society. And at that moment, I simply feared the judgement I would get when I would tell people that I wasn't in a university. 

The only thing that is really driving me to get a degree is simply so that I can get a job with a higher pay when I eventually enter the working world. And yet, in my entire life I have never wanted a desk job working for someone - although being a corporate bitch sounds badass (YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT NEEDING TO STOP THIS SHIT OF THINKING JOBS ARE SEXY/COOL/GLAMOROUS?!). I mean, it literally pains me to imagine myself being corporate drone. And yet I want a degree just because it gives me an opportunity for a higher pay when I work for someone. And the only reason why I want a job with a higher pay which this piece of paper can give to me is because, well, having more money is never a bad thing.

So I guess everything is simply down to money. I am materialistic; I love buying clothes even when I have more than enough clothes, I love buying stupid cosmetics even though that whole industry is, to put  it simply: evil, and I JUST LOVE HAVING NICE THINGS. 

It really is a whole other debate on whether money = success = happiness but I think I've garbled on for way too long and I've got work tomorrow so I really need to sleep. Like two hours ago. 

After all of this verbal diarrhea, I think I've reached a conclusion. Personally, I don't  know if I truly want a degree or need one. I do think it would be nice to receive higher education, just for the sake of learning new things that I've never been exposed to. But the key word here is nice. Although I cannot guarantee that my business will be successful, it is something I don't need a degree for. And even if I do decide to go into writing, I believe that although a communications degree will increase my chances of getting a job in writing, it does not guarantee one. I don't know what my parents will think should I not get into a university, but I hope they won't be too upset. But to the rest of society, it's none of their business, right? Of course it would still be nice to be accepted into a local university, and let's be realistic, a degree is a nice Plan B too, just in case everything else doesn't work out. 

Well, this was definitely cathartic. 

tangled

...

Wouldn't it be great if every school came with a subject/module titled: How To Be A Good Person?

There are just too many grey areas in life.

A leads to B, B leads to C, C leads to D, etc.

I have a lot of thoughts right now and some of them I'm not so sure would be right to form into words.

I should stop comparing myself to others and do things at my own time and pace because I can't be the same as another person. Of course, I should try to better myself in all aspects, but it should be at my own pace and time. 

I just felt a bit bad all of a sudden because I saw that some of my friends are off to do big things with their lives (of course the term "big" is subjective) and the most exciting/worrying thing in my life right now is waiting for my check to cash in so that I can submit my taobao cart and buy my skirt off ASOS. Seriously??????? I really have to start being thrifty... 

I compare myself to a lot of other people, and sometimes I just need to stop and realize that my life is separate from anyone else and even if I compare, nothing good will come out from comparing. 

I'll just have to work on doing my own things and focus on my own life and the things I want to achieve. And even if what I'm working on is going slowly, I can't just give up on it just because it's not as good as others.

Hmmm, I just have a lot of issues. Lately I've also been feeling more and more dispensable, and that people matter more to me than I matter to them. I've always felt that way since forever, but then after awhile it became less obvious. Now the feeling is back though. I don't know how to stop feeling this way. It's so bad. 

And something around my neighbourhood is damn bloody smelly. It smells like a pet farm with a million and one wet dogs. Aghhhhhhh.

Sometimes in life, towards certain things and certain people, I just want to be like:

Can or not you think?

All jokes aside, none of the local universities I've applied for have contacted me and I'm thinking if I should apply for the retail degree at Stirling just to be safe. Also, MOE rejected my application to be a relief teacher. Again, WHATEVER LA SIA. Hahahaha.

I'm about to get my paycheck soon! I worked 50 hours in the last two weeks or so of March, which just in words sounds like a lot but really isn't. Just in time for my next taobao order?? Probably need to stop shopping so much (what I tell myself every day every hour every minute every second of my life). 

I shall try to make my life more fulfilling and interesting as much as possible, because right now it's pretty lame and meh and just full of liking pictures of Kim Woo Bin on tumblr hehe. 

So far I've met my classmates for Korean BBQ (should've taken more prawns while I could), met with KK, MC and JM twice (we played the Monopoly board game - most time sucking activity ever but I won!) and thaaaat's pretty much it. This was in a span of two weeks. The China dude I work with said I'm damn boring and I have damn boring friends. Once again, WHATEVER LA SIA!! Lolol I like staying at home and lazing around. Usually if I have to go out, I like to take breaks afterwards just being by myself and now that I'm working, days spent alone are even rarer so I really don't enjoy having to travel out of my house. What can I say, I'm a lazy butt. 

I'm only happy to go to work because there is a bakery nearby that sells the yummiest breads (raisin and cream, and mixed berries and cream cheese) and also a juice stall that sells yummy mango juice which is fairly cheap ($2!) <3 My life revolves around food, internet, sleep, and cute Korean boys. So nice.

two sides to a coin

After I finished that ahjussi drama, I moved on to To The Beautiful You and now I'm watching School 2013.  Can't stop won't stop 0.0 It's like I've been hearing too much Korean and now when I hear strangers conversing in Malay or Tamil and sometimes even English I think it's Korean hahahahaha.

After working in this job for only a week, I've come to realize that there are two sides to every job. There will be good things and bad things and no job will ever be perfect even if it's something you love doing. It all depends on how you look at it. Which is why I think it's so important to be a positive person and why I really want to be a positive person too. 

And I submitted my taobao cart!!!!!!! Opted for air shipping impulsively because I didn't want to wait for a month or so to get my items haha oops...

P.S. I mean like, seriously, WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN NAM SOON AND HEUNG SOO OMIGAD?? It's the only freaking reason I keep going from episode to episode and I'm already at 7 (I started watching on Sunday). Somebody needs to stop meeee.

P.P.S. OMIGAD ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE 7 JUST REVEALED WHAT HAPPENED. Poor Heung Soo poor Nam Soon omg let me hug you my bbs ;____;

nothing to see here, move along...

When I grow up I want to be Lisa Eldridge.

Nothing much to update in my life, if I'm not at work then I'm mostly at home watching Korean shows. And my job is the most chill one I've ever held so... Nothing there as well. The most interesting thing in my life right now is waiting for my allowance/pay to come in so I can submit my taobao cart worth $160 (160/15=$10.67/item nubbad) and buy some Korean cosmetics. 

Other than just bumming around, I'm also waiting for a local university to accept my average butt into their schools. I feel like I got placed in the wrong class in Year 1. All of the people I know there are overachievers and have GPAs which are >3.7 and here I am bumbling along with a 3.5 and still pretty content with life. Of course it would be better if my GPA was higher but I've never been one to be very conscientious with work and there's no one to blame but myself so that's alright with me. 

Oh yes, another thing that I like to watch now is CRAYON SHIN CHAN! I love it, why is Shin-chan so hilarious omg.

And I stopped jogging since forever ago, so my jiggliness has come back. I really should try and get back on track though, if not how can I look hot by graduation and June? Lololol shallow goals. I can't wait for June. I'M CALIFORNIA-BOUND! That is, if nothing even worse happens to our family's finances. Ohuhuhu.

OK I think I'm done babbling. Time to sleep! I have work tomorrow 12pm-5pm and I think I will go get some Japanese magazines after work if I'm not lazy!!!

Pretty happy with life at the moment, except I wish there was more time to meet up with friends that I don't get to meet up with often, and that I have more money for going out and shopping online. Hmm let me think of what I can sell/do other than selling my body because lbr, no one is going to buy that shit OHOHOHO.

再见!

half empty

I think it's very bad that I'm such a negative person. I have a lot of negative feelings and negative thoughts. Which is why I'm always dreading things, always delaying things, etc. 

I shall research on how to be more positive when I have time.

This just came to my mind because I keep dreading going to work but honestly today (17/3) was only my first day and it was actually fairly okay. I mean, it's a good life compared to my internship/H&M despite the lower pay. In fact I think the positives far outweigh the negatives for this job. My parents were commenting how going to work there is kind of a waste of resources seeing as my transport + food = $10, and the most I get per day working there is $42. 

Eh. I can see why I'm so negative. Hahahaha.

best furry friend

My dad and I brought Cookie to the vet today because I've been suspecting that cataracts have formed in her eyes and also because she's been scratching the skin around her eyes lately. My suspicions were confirmed, she does indeed have cataracts and it's not just discoloration of the eyes due to old age. 

Throughout the day we just kept poking fun at her, haha saying that she's going to become a blind old bat next time. My dad had to keep reminding me that she doesn't have long left. Obviously, I'm aware I'm going to outlive my dog but it really hits home when I can see the whites of the cataracts in her eyes. It makes me rather upset. 

I'll admit I'm not the best dog owner around and I don't bring Cookie out for walks and she's often left alone at home a lot of times and I really do feel bad about all of these but I still love her a whole bunch. I got her when I was 12, and this year I would have had her for 9 years already. She's been with me for a really long time. I still remember when I got her, she was such a tiny ball of fur. But even then I also remember neglecting her a lot. I'm a really horrible owner. Probably going to live with this guilt my entire life.

Interesting fact to note is also that when I got her there wasn't really a set intention on getting a dog the day we went out. I'd wanted a dog for for-freaking-ever. I mean every time we had to pray at church I prayed to God for a dog. I had this book which had information about all the dog breeds in the world. I carried it around everywhere I went and memorized it from page to page. That was my true bible hahaha.

Anyway, on the day itself my mom merely wanted us to take a look at the shelter dogs nearby. And as a kid I never considered small breeds because my dad and I were really into large dogs, and we still are. But we popped into the pet farm (ugh I know, so bad but we didn't know any better at the time) and the guy told me that Cookie would be perfect for me. And I actually told him I wanted the bigger puppy in the next cage. It was a boy and when he placed it in my arms it was so jumpy so he gave me Cookie and I fell in love. She just lay in my arms really quietly and that was IT. I had to have her.

When I brought her home, we were so unprepared for a puppy that my parents gave me this plastic crate they used to put stuff in for her to sleep in. I put a cloth and everything for her and for about 4 or 5 hours I just sat next to the crate while she slept and I just read all my books about puppies and dogs. When she woke up, I fed her water in those plastic takeaway containers. And when I realized that she peed in the crate I carefully lifted her out of the crate and quickly and diligently washed it because I was scared she'd run around the house. Instead she just lurked behind the wall of my toilet and peered at me while I washed the crate. My parents managed to get a pen from a friend and we had to leave her in it for the night. The next morning when I woke up my 12 year old self could not believe a puppy was sitting in the kitchen waiting for me. 

Anyway. Safe to say there's been a whole 9 years of her waiting patiently for every one of us in the family to come home every day of her life. No matter what time we got back, be it at 6pm or 5am, she would always there to welcome us home. Even when I get up in the mornings she always looks happy to see me. I think with every major event that would occur in my life, before I left the house I'd always grab her face and told her to wish me luck. She's been with me for a lot of things, and it makes me really sad that she won't be around for a whole lot of other stuff. 

I'm really blessed to have her as my first dog. She has such a good-nature and even though we've never brought her for any obedience training classes she's mostly obedient and sweet. My dad likes to disturb her a lot and she rarely loses her temper at him. I mean, he likes to snatch her food away while she's eating and not once has she growled at him in anger. She actually just stares at him stupidly and expectantly waiting for him to put the bowl down. I mean, look at that picture. She lets me do stupid shit to her all the time and even though she always displays a look of mild annoyance (DON'T SAY THAT DOGS CAN'T DISPLAY EMOTIONS!!!!) she never snaps at me and just lets me put stuff on her head/body.

I love Cookie so much I really don't know how I'll deal with it when it's time for her to go.

I don't know what's the point of this post. But it made me feel very blue. :(

practice what you preach

Additionally, the current state in which the way media perpetuates an “ideal” that women should strive to achieve for is dismal. Girls from a young age are brainwashed into thinking that only with pretty faces and thin bodies will they deserve good things and success in work and love.

Trying to write up my business proposal. If I believed the garbage I was spewing I would be a much happier person, lol.

17 year old me

WOAH WTF LOL I LOOK SO YOUNG I WANT TO TURN BACK TIME!!!!!!! I think this was in 2009 hahaha woahhhhhh. Trying to look for this flickr account which had photos which showed my hair in various states, damn it why do I have so many accounts for every damn website there is.

Also, how tan was I?!! I don't know what am I doing with the Pez dispensers, forgive me. I was a 17 year old who made bad decisions. Now I am a 21 year old. Who makes bad decisions.

/ I CAN'T FIND THAT FLICKR ACCOUNT I AM SO UPSET!!! But I found these:

Lololol this was at 18. Retarded forever.

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Being a drama queen and all but, I can't fucking take it. The nights are the worst.

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bleeding heart

This has been a lot more emotionally draining than I thought it would be.

Sometimes I think back to some embarrassing shit I did and I would literally scowl to myself. Well, today I would like not only like to scowl I would like to punch myself in the face. Hahaha. Okay time to watch the season finale of My Mad Fat Diary, tata.

These were taken on the last official day of school, I think it was on the 6th, after we had our IB presentation. There's a digital group photo of us on my camera but I look like shit in it so it's not going up here haha. I would have requested for another shot but a few were in a rush and the girl we asked to help us take a photo looked like she wanted to die when we asked her too so I didn't want to bother anymore.

I just felt like posting up a photo because I did tell myself to take more photos this year just as a form of keepsake but I always forget that I have a camera in my bag or am very lazy/self-conscious to take it out. Oop at me.

I am just procrastinating and choosing not studying for my remaining two papers. Good job to me!

Really looking forward to the months ahead, there's so much to do.

PS, look, I'm so bent on not studying I even went and sloth-ified my header. It's soooo cuuuuteee agugugu.

I think what I need to understand thoroughly right now is that I can be okay with you, I am okay without you now, and I will be okay without you later.

I am waiting for my nails to dry (PROCRASTINATING), so here I am.

I can't decide between Communication Studies and Sociology.

I do think I am romanticizing Sociology quite a bit, but when I see the course structure I get SO excited, whereas when I look at the course structure for Comm. Studies I feel pretty meh. It's not like I'm extremely keen on going into journalism or advertising, let alone the other concentrations in the course (broadcasting & film, PR, not sure what is the other two). It's just that I think English is my only forte so off to writing I go! But honestly I think my writing skills are paltry compared to the other people in the course. So, idk.

And for Sociology, I have my doubts about it because I don't really understand or am keen on the career path it will lead to...? It's mostly people-based work from what I've read and I'm the furthest you can get from a people-person. However I've also read it's a liberal arts course so it does give a good base in journalism but as I've said, I'm not exactly dying to win the next Pulitzer Prize or anything. 

So it's between being practical and just... Doing what I want to do...

I also understand it's not like a degree in Communication Studies can get me a media job or anything either. :/

Guh. I don't know.

I was discussing with a friend how it seemed debates and fights were occurring more frequently than they did when we were younger even though it does seem that as you grow older these quarrels should be lesser, going by the logic that you become more mature. 

I thought about it as I walked home, and perhaps the reason why I, personally, didn't seem to have much debates/fights in secondary school, as compared to now, is because a lot of my views have changed or I am more aware of what I perceive to be as faults in our society.

I constantly get into lengthy confrontations with (straight) guys over issues that concern sexism, how disgusting they are when they talk about females, etc. I just cannot help myself. And I'm the only one who adamantly pursues these debates whenever there is an opportunity to. At 16 I just wasn't aware about the issues of feminist rights, sexism, misogynistic opinions, etc. And now, I do. And I simply have to, HAVE TO, correct guys when they are being complete misogynists. I really don't care if it makes me unlikable or a complete bitch because we're living in a man's world and sometimes women don't even know that they need to stand up for themselves more. And let's face it, it only makes me unlikable in their eyes because they don't want some girl telling them what's right and what's wrong because y'know, only the men are ever right! 

OK I digress. 

Other than that I also do have a really short temper and it really doesn't take much for me to get pissed off. Oops. A personality flaw I really need to work on.

So I guess my point is that, yes, although maturity has taken place, but as I've grown, I've learnt to stand up for myself and adding that on to a list of horrible personality flaws, you get the confrontational and caustic bitch I've become. Especially if a person belittles me and/or treats me like I am stupid or beneath them.